Anger

I've been reading this book by Julie Ann Barnhill (thanks to our fearless MOPS leader, Courtney for the recommendation), and it's sad to realize how much anger I have and how negative I can get to dealing with Sam at times (that's putting it mildly).

I know that i've been angry.  Since Sam has reached the "terrible twos" stage, my anger has continued to escalate day after day after day.  Sure we have some good days too, but mostly bad days.  The past two days have been rough.  Sam's only two but he's not been wanting to nap.  It's really frustrating because it means that I don't get the two hours I need to decompress during the day, or to take advantage and complete chores.  I'm not a clean freak, but I do like a neat house.  It gives me a sense of calm to have my house in order.  I feel chaotic inside when the house is a mess.  So when Sam is napping, I take advantage and either do some organizing or fold some laundry.  I haven't been able to do that lately.  Hence, the chaos in my head and the anger and frustration in my heart.

As I go through this book (and i'm barely halfway since I don't get the chance to read much), I see in myself a lot of the things that she's talking about.  I am reading the chapter on abuse, and before this, it never dawned on me that my words and actions are abusive to Sam.  What bothers me most is when the author talked about emotional abuse.  Being a mom, i've always wanted Sam to be good.  I've always known that being a mom, a parent, will be hard, but NOT this hard.  I've never thought that comparing Sam to other kids, simply telling him that "why can't you be like so and so..." can be an emotional abuse.  Or just withdrawing.  When I tend to get upset, I usually don't want to talk for fear that i'm going to explode.  And so on those days when I am just full of anger and want to just yell, I just keep quiet and not talk.  And when Sam approaches me and calls my name, there are times when I ignore him and withdraw.  So now I ask myself, am I emotionally abusing my son? Probably so (and that is hard to admit).

Anger is such an overwhelming emotion, and the fact that I have anger most days lately is sad.  The sadder part is that because I am so angry sometimes, I feel guilty that I get angry with Sam so easily.  It is sad to think that the emotions I feel most of the time is anger and guilt instead of love and joy.  So tonight, I reminded myself of a verse that I found when I was looking through verses on anger.  Psalm 37:8 says: "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath, do not fret--it leads only to evil."  Ain't that the truth.  

Ephesians 4:26-27 states: "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity."  How can you be angry and not sin?  That's something I know I need to work on.  In the meantime, I think that I will take it one day at a time, be less angry, and be more loving to my son.  That's the best I can do for now.  As for the whole parenting thing...I'll keep reading and I'll keep working on it.