Defiance

Early morning and I am already in my time-out chair.  I woke up this morning feeling hopeful that my son will be a little easier to deal with.  NOT!!! Breakfast is usually the easiest time to get him to eat because he will eat whatever I give him.  Not this morning.  This morning, he decided that he will give his breakfast a little nibble, and then go off to play.  Well, this mommy has a hard enough time to get him to eat his meals for the rest of the day that she's not willing to take no for an answer.  But my son was firm in saying that his done.  He looked me straight in the eye and told me, "no breakfast mommy."  I have no clue when he learned it, but this morning, he's become defiant.  From the beginning, I know that he is headstrong...like his daddy.  But at two???  I am just at a lost.

For the rest of the day, I kept busy and so did he.  When nap time came, I asked him to get on the bed and lie down with me so he can take a nap.  My little guy who was busy playing on the carpet, stood up, and with a straight face, looked me in the eye and said, "no nap."  I wanted to yell, wanted to drag him to his room, and just let him cry until he passes out.  But after my rant about anger yesterday, I decided that today, I will not succumb to my blinding anger.  So I walked away, got myself a coke.  Chewed on my lip for 5 minutes, too a deep breath, and went back to tell him to go to his room.  He didn't go to his room, went to my bed instead, but quietly snuggled with me until he drifted off to sleep. Yes, my son is getting defiant when he wants to, but today, I also learned that maybe if I respond to him differently, that I might actually get him to listen to me.  It's a thought that's probably worth exploring.  Thanks to my friend Serina, I saw this article, which I might try:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-orange-rhino/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling_b_2886161.html

For now, I will try to curb his defiance but taking my own time outs and hope that it makes me calmer when I deal with him. Hopefully, my little guy will cooperate.  Here's to hoping.

Anger

I've been reading this book by Julie Ann Barnhill (thanks to our fearless MOPS leader, Courtney for the recommendation), and it's sad to realize how much anger I have and how negative I can get to dealing with Sam at times (that's putting it mildly).

I know that i've been angry.  Since Sam has reached the "terrible twos" stage, my anger has continued to escalate day after day after day.  Sure we have some good days too, but mostly bad days.  The past two days have been rough.  Sam's only two but he's not been wanting to nap.  It's really frustrating because it means that I don't get the two hours I need to decompress during the day, or to take advantage and complete chores.  I'm not a clean freak, but I do like a neat house.  It gives me a sense of calm to have my house in order.  I feel chaotic inside when the house is a mess.  So when Sam is napping, I take advantage and either do some organizing or fold some laundry.  I haven't been able to do that lately.  Hence, the chaos in my head and the anger and frustration in my heart.

As I go through this book (and i'm barely halfway since I don't get the chance to read much), I see in myself a lot of the things that she's talking about.  I am reading the chapter on abuse, and before this, it never dawned on me that my words and actions are abusive to Sam.  What bothers me most is when the author talked about emotional abuse.  Being a mom, i've always wanted Sam to be good.  I've always known that being a mom, a parent, will be hard, but NOT this hard.  I've never thought that comparing Sam to other kids, simply telling him that "why can't you be like so and so..." can be an emotional abuse.  Or just withdrawing.  When I tend to get upset, I usually don't want to talk for fear that i'm going to explode.  And so on those days when I am just full of anger and want to just yell, I just keep quiet and not talk.  And when Sam approaches me and calls my name, there are times when I ignore him and withdraw.  So now I ask myself, am I emotionally abusing my son? Probably so (and that is hard to admit).

Anger is such an overwhelming emotion, and the fact that I have anger most days lately is sad.  The sadder part is that because I am so angry sometimes, I feel guilty that I get angry with Sam so easily.  It is sad to think that the emotions I feel most of the time is anger and guilt instead of love and joy.  So tonight, I reminded myself of a verse that I found when I was looking through verses on anger.  Psalm 37:8 says: "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath, do not fret--it leads only to evil."  Ain't that the truth.  

Ephesians 4:26-27 states: "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity."  How can you be angry and not sin?  That's something I know I need to work on.  In the meantime, I think that I will take it one day at a time, be less angry, and be more loving to my son.  That's the best I can do for now.  As for the whole parenting thing...I'll keep reading and I'll keep working on it.