Potty Training

Raising a child is not easy...well, the word child and easy should not even be used in the same sentence (at least that's how I feel). I probably would use the word "less challenging" for all the mothering experiences I've been through (if there was anything less challenging).  The second half of Sam's first year of life is probably the least challenging so far.  The first six months?  Well, let's see...he wouldn't latch on me so breastfeeding was out, making me feel disappointed and unaccomplished; the waking up every 2 hours to feed and change diaper leaving me sleep deprived, cranky, and ugly (with black rings around my eyes, not to mention the eye bags that came with it).  Then he turned 6 months and minus the teething and the crying that came with it, it was smooth sailing until he turned 1 year old.

When Sam was 10 months old, he started to walk.  At the time, he only walks; no running, no climbing.  Then he turned 1 and he wanted to scale everything that is a foot taller than him.  There is the challenge of switching him from formula to whole milk, switching from bottle to sippy cup (or straw), and transitioning from pureed foods to chopped meals.  Then the frustration increased when Sam was 18 months and started getting picky with food.  The constant travels from VA to Hawaii didn't help either because his sleep cycle was just out of whack, not to mention the fact that he will not sleep in his crib.

Terrible two's started early for Sam as well.  He is strong willed, and knows what he wants.  I guess the word I would use for his attitude would be unyielding.  He is unyielding.  And so the battle of wills was constant throughout the second year of life.  It was really exciting when he started to talk, saying a few words here and there at first.  Then he started stringing sentences...it was amazing to see the progression. Now, I have moments where I just want to tell him to stop talking and give my ears a break.  Asking how, why, and how interchangeably throughout the day for every single thing he sees, hears, watches or tv, well....you get the picture.

Looking back, all of those challenges and frustrations do not amount to the enormous challenge of potty training.  I feel like I keep slamming my head against the wall.  Potty training came late to Sam.   Whereas most kids his age (he is 3 years 5 months give or take) are already potty trained at this point, Sam is still getting the hang of it.  It's not that we didn't try early on, he just wasn't interested.  Most literature will tell you to wait until they show interest to prevent frustration.  I waited, the frustration isn't any less.  And I go back to Sam's unyielding attitude, plus the fact that he wants to be independent.  And voila!  A recipe for disaster.

Traveling to Hawaii while potty training was not exactly a good move for us either.  And coming back from Hawaii, well, lets just say we  had to start over twice.  We probably spent hundreds of dollars buying every potty and/or contraption related to potty training just to get the ball rolling.  At the end of the day, Sam did what he wanted to do in his own time.

It look a lot of coaxing, threatening, and trips to the toy store (reward for pooping in the toilet), but we are finally there.  We still have our occasional accidents when he doesn't make it to the bathroom on time.  I do thank my lucky stars at this point that the worst is over.  Now, i'm just bracing myself for what is next.

Bedtime success ( I hope I don't jinx it)

Sam has been getting better at bedtime.  We try to give him a shower at 9 pm, read him a book or two, pray, then get him to go to sleep.  It's not the easiest to get him to fall asleep.  It takes about an hour to calm him down, so by the time he is actually asleep and I leave his room, it's 10:30 pm.  I'm not going to complain about that because it has been worse.  I am just thankful now that he sleeps in his room (though he still wakes up once a night), and he goes to bed at a more preferable time (as oppose to 11:30 pm or midnight).  When he wakes up in the middle of the night, I usually stay with him until he falls back to sleep.  In the last week or so however, I've been trying to get him to go back to sleep on his own, either by ignoring his calls or just simply explaining to him that he needs to sleep in his own bed and mommy needs to go to her own bed.

I have been successful getting to get him to go back to sleep on his own.  He sometimes protests but doesn't cry if I leave him.  So last night was a test of how well he will respond if I just tuck him in and not wait till he falls asleep.  And he did great!  He whined a little, called for mommy a little, but he was a trooper.  He fell asleep at about 10:15 ( I checked him a little after that), and slept through the night!!! I am hoping he will continue on this routine, which will free up my night to do something else other than tend to him.  Now, if he will only get interested in potty training, I will be in mommy heaven.

MoMo

With all the difficulties of taking care of child in his terrible twos, I find myself desperate trying to redirect what I would think as inappropriate behavior.  Apparently, me saying "don't do that, you'll get hurt," or "stop it, that's not nice," mean nothing to my two-year old son.  Time outs or sending him to his room has been effective for a while...but as I use it more often, it becomes less and less effective.

I've been trying to keep myself from yelling at home, partly because I feel guilty most of the time.  But most of the time, the guilt is overridden by this overwhelming feeling of frustration.  And so the cycle goes on.  In my culture (Filipino), it was not uncommon to scare kids with some imaginary monster character or "MoMo" to curb their behavior.  I know my mom used to tell us that if we're bad, that the witch will come and get us.  In my desperate attempt to feed my son his lunch a couple of days ago, I told him that if he doesn't eat, the "MoMo" will come and get him.  To make it even more believable, I hung a blue glove on our dining room window.  That got his attention, and sure enough, ate the nutella sandwich and banana that I made for him.

Now, every time we eat, he always refers to the "MoMo" watching him.  Though it's been effective the last few days, I fear that someday when it sinks in, that it will cause more problems (i.e. nightmares, night terrors, etc.), and that everything will practically scare him.  I was telling my hubby today that I wish I could skip this phase, or fast forward to the next.  But in retrospect, do I really want to miss anything that my son goes through, no matter how difficult they may be?  I think I just need more time to understand or find better ways to cope.  I just wish that all these "terrible two" behaviors will be over soon.

Sleep is overrated

For a while now, we've been struggling with two important things with Sam:  food and sleep.  My son is a finicky eater.  He wasn't when he was younger, but as he got older, it became harder and harder to get him to eat.  Lots of fruits, no veggies, no meat.  Occasionally, I could get him to eat cheese.  He likes yogurt.  And the only way I can feed him peanut butter is through PB cookies.  I've given up on the food a long time ago.  My thing is, as long as he's eating something, he's growing, and he's not losing weight.  But sleep?  Well, I love my sleep.  And if he has a problem sleeping, so do I.

My hubby and I have slept in separate beds for two nights now.  No, we're not having problems.  It's just that we moved Sam to a bigger room and a bigger bed in the hopes that he will sleep IN HIS OWN BED throughout the night.  You see, when he was in his toddler bed, he will sleep maybe 2-3 hours there, then walk the 10 feet to our room and jump in our bed.  That's not the only issue.  He will not go to sleep or even agree to go to his room if we don't lie down with him.  For my 6' tall husband, curling in a toddler bed isn't easy peasy. So we decided to move him to a full size bed.  It's been at least a week now since we moved him to his new room and new bed.  The first night, he went willingly, but still woke up in the middle of night and walked to our room.  On the second night, he woke up again and I brought him back to his bed where he slept for the rest of the night.  Then we went to our trip to KY.  When we came back, we were all too tired, so he slept on our bed.  The last few nights have been a battle of sorts.  On Tuesday night, I ended up sleeping in Sam's bed because I was too tired to go back to my own bed.  And last night?  Well, Sam went to sleep around 10:30 pm.  I went to bed, watched a little TV, read a magazine, enjoying the peace and quiet.  I was ready to go to sleep around midnight when I heard "mommy."  Sigh.  I ignored it.  Then I heard another call and Sam starts crying.  I told my husband to go and check on him, and as soon as Sam saw his Daddy, he slammed the door.  My husband came back to our room and said, "he slammed the door on me."  Well, I didn't want to leave my bed.  After 5 loads of laundry, a hot day with a screaming child, making dinner, cleaning the kitchen, and all the other chores that I had to do, I was tired.  So we let him cry for 20 minutes hoping he will just go back to sleep.  Nope.  I told my husband to go and put him back to sleep.  He did, and ended up sleeping on Sam's bed for the rest of the night, leaving me alone in our bed.

I understand that Sam's first 2 years of life has been hard.  He never stayed in one place for more than 6-months at a time.  We travelled to Hawaii and back every 4 months it seemed like, that it's hard for Sam to get situated.  Not to mention our recent short travels to Florida, Oklahoma, and Kentucky.  He has been to more states in his two years of life than in my 32 years.  I understand how it must be confusing going through so many time zones every 4 months.  But I love my sleep.  And I hope someday that he will love sleep too and decide to go to bed early and sleep through the night, and wake up at a decent hour.  Because as much as sleep seems overrated to him, Mommy loves her sleep.

Defiance

Early morning and I am already in my time-out chair.  I woke up this morning feeling hopeful that my son will be a little easier to deal with.  NOT!!! Breakfast is usually the easiest time to get him to eat because he will eat whatever I give him.  Not this morning.  This morning, he decided that he will give his breakfast a little nibble, and then go off to play.  Well, this mommy has a hard enough time to get him to eat his meals for the rest of the day that she's not willing to take no for an answer.  But my son was firm in saying that his done.  He looked me straight in the eye and told me, "no breakfast mommy."  I have no clue when he learned it, but this morning, he's become defiant.  From the beginning, I know that he is headstrong...like his daddy.  But at two???  I am just at a lost.

For the rest of the day, I kept busy and so did he.  When nap time came, I asked him to get on the bed and lie down with me so he can take a nap.  My little guy who was busy playing on the carpet, stood up, and with a straight face, looked me in the eye and said, "no nap."  I wanted to yell, wanted to drag him to his room, and just let him cry until he passes out.  But after my rant about anger yesterday, I decided that today, I will not succumb to my blinding anger.  So I walked away, got myself a coke.  Chewed on my lip for 5 minutes, too a deep breath, and went back to tell him to go to his room.  He didn't go to his room, went to my bed instead, but quietly snuggled with me until he drifted off to sleep. Yes, my son is getting defiant when he wants to, but today, I also learned that maybe if I respond to him differently, that I might actually get him to listen to me.  It's a thought that's probably worth exploring.  Thanks to my friend Serina, I saw this article, which I might try:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/the-orange-rhino/10-things-i-learned-when-i-stopped-yelling_b_2886161.html

For now, I will try to curb his defiance but taking my own time outs and hope that it makes me calmer when I deal with him. Hopefully, my little guy will cooperate.  Here's to hoping.

Anger

I've been reading this book by Julie Ann Barnhill (thanks to our fearless MOPS leader, Courtney for the recommendation), and it's sad to realize how much anger I have and how negative I can get to dealing with Sam at times (that's putting it mildly).

I know that i've been angry.  Since Sam has reached the "terrible twos" stage, my anger has continued to escalate day after day after day.  Sure we have some good days too, but mostly bad days.  The past two days have been rough.  Sam's only two but he's not been wanting to nap.  It's really frustrating because it means that I don't get the two hours I need to decompress during the day, or to take advantage and complete chores.  I'm not a clean freak, but I do like a neat house.  It gives me a sense of calm to have my house in order.  I feel chaotic inside when the house is a mess.  So when Sam is napping, I take advantage and either do some organizing or fold some laundry.  I haven't been able to do that lately.  Hence, the chaos in my head and the anger and frustration in my heart.

As I go through this book (and i'm barely halfway since I don't get the chance to read much), I see in myself a lot of the things that she's talking about.  I am reading the chapter on abuse, and before this, it never dawned on me that my words and actions are abusive to Sam.  What bothers me most is when the author talked about emotional abuse.  Being a mom, i've always wanted Sam to be good.  I've always known that being a mom, a parent, will be hard, but NOT this hard.  I've never thought that comparing Sam to other kids, simply telling him that "why can't you be like so and so..." can be an emotional abuse.  Or just withdrawing.  When I tend to get upset, I usually don't want to talk for fear that i'm going to explode.  And so on those days when I am just full of anger and want to just yell, I just keep quiet and not talk.  And when Sam approaches me and calls my name, there are times when I ignore him and withdraw.  So now I ask myself, am I emotionally abusing my son? Probably so (and that is hard to admit).

Anger is such an overwhelming emotion, and the fact that I have anger most days lately is sad.  The sadder part is that because I am so angry sometimes, I feel guilty that I get angry with Sam so easily.  It is sad to think that the emotions I feel most of the time is anger and guilt instead of love and joy.  So tonight, I reminded myself of a verse that I found when I was looking through verses on anger.  Psalm 37:8 says: "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath, do not fret--it leads only to evil."  Ain't that the truth.  

Ephesians 4:26-27 states: "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity."  How can you be angry and not sin?  That's something I know I need to work on.  In the meantime, I think that I will take it one day at a time, be less angry, and be more loving to my son.  That's the best I can do for now.  As for the whole parenting thing...I'll keep reading and I'll keep working on it.

How a glass of wine will make the day better.

Have you ever had a day where you wanted to just chug an entire bottle of wine at 1 pm.  That's my day today.  It has been a very trying day with my 2-year old.  The past few weeks have been a bit crazy in our household.  Upon returning from our extended trip in Hawaii, Sam's aunt and cousins came to visit.  This was probably a good thing since he had cousins to play with and keep him occupied.  The following weekend, we drove to Florida for my husband's business trip.  Sam for the most part was a trooper with all the long distance driving.  We planned to return back to our routine, but my husband's grandfather passed away, prompting another road trip to Oklahoma this past weekend.  Needless to say, my 2-year old's life has been spent on the road for the last two weeks.

I can't blame him for being whiny at times.  I'm sure it's very frustrating for him when i'm unable to figure out what he is asking of me.  At the same time, all the traveling and inconsistencies in our lives must be driving him crazy.  Today, however, was extra whiny.  He woke up early, which was odd since he normally goes to bed late and wakes up late.  I took him to our weekly Tuesday play dates, where he asserted dominance over the kids and over our host's toys.  Sam is at the stage of not wanting to share and hitting or screaming and throwing a fit when someone even touches his toys.  I want to drown and die in shame today.  I felt like I couldn't control him.  Everything came downhill after that, with screaming and crying over lunch, fighting me when I put him down for his nap, and an hour long of screaming and crying because I didn't give him all the toys he wanted (one is never enough).

A glass or two of wine was a must tonight considering the day Sam and I had.  Despite that, I realized that it must be terribly hard for Sam to not have any stability in life.  Change is good most times, when you are an adult.  But for someone who is starting his life and just beginning to enjoy it, it must be rough.  Too bad I couldn't share a glass of wine with my son.  But hugs, kisses, and cuddles i'm sure is enough to let him know that he is loved.